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Feeling down..

I don't really have anyone to talk to, and if i'm honest i dont even feel that comfortable posting this on here but i needed to get it out. Basically my son's nearly 6 months old now, since the day he was born i haven't really felt like we've bonded (or atleast i haven't). I thought if i gave it time it'd just happen naturally, but now he's becoming a little mummy's boy and it just makes me feel even worse. I'm not sure whether i just wasn't ready to have a baby or if i haven't bonded with him. Some day's i'm so happy to be a Mum, and don't get me wrong i love my little boy to bits. I just get so angry sometimes, and almost lose my temper with him. I just feel like i've lost everything. I sit in all day taking care of Mason, all my 'friends' don't even talk to me and even my 'best friend' barely wants to know anymore. I did seem to bond with him the day of his operation, and i realised how much i actually do love him. I just don't feel like me anymore though, i feel like i'm just 'Mason's Mummy' and that alone. It doesn't help my ex bounces in and out of both our lives, one minute he wants to just see Mason, the next he wants us both back, and then he'll go through phases where we were both just a mistake. I have so much resentment towards him because he's the one that pressured me into keeping the baby (i don't regret it now) and then just left and hasn't done much to qualify as being any sort of father. I'm just so tired of hospital trips and sorting out housing. I want to be young. Or i atleast wanted the 'perfect little family' okay, i know it doesn't exist as such but i just don't get why i couldn't have my happy ending like everyone else! I probably sound so selfish when there's woman out there that can't have children and the amount of times i've told my mum to just take Mason and that i can't do it anymore. I just don't feel i'm good enough for him, or ready for any of this. I know i should have thought about all this before i had sex unprotected, and i could really do with not getting any horrible comments back to this. I feel bad enough as it is, i cry all the time because he's probably so many woman's dream and a majority of the time i just don't feel like i want any of it. It's so much harder than i thought it was gonna be. I watch his grandparents with him, and he's so happy and i feel bad for him when they pass him back. I just want to be me again

by Mummy2Mason 28 July 2012

  • oh hunny I could cry for you myself I really I could, what a sad sad post but well done to you for sharing them, only by doing so can you get some help and support. Its better to talk than to bottle it all up. No one is perfect in the world, getting pregnant at 17 myself to a cheating ex wasn't the best move by me but would I give up Alfie? Not a chance and that concludes the first bit of praise from me to you - you don't want to give him up, that shows that you are a loving mummy.

    Secondly, I had similar feelings about not good enough for him but on a much smaller scale than yours. I will share with you the advice I got from my kind, caring (and now retired, shame) health visitor and that is at Mason's age, he doesn't know a lot but does know that you his mummy, he's known that since he was growing inside you and heard your voice. All he wants in return at the moment is love and I have no doubt you have that for him in spades hunni!

    In terms of support, its hard having the ex flit in and out, luckily mine flit out and never came back, fatherhood makes a boy into a man, by the sounds of it, like mine, your ex cant become a man yet. I know its hard but you have to fence him off from your own feelings and just keep the gate open so he can be a dad.

    There is no shame seeking help, either on here, from your mum or from a doctor, it does not mean you've failed it means this life-changing experience has overwhelmed you a tiny bit and you need someone just to get you swimming again. Are you the only child or do you have siblings? Can you talk to your mum? If you can then repeat what you have said here and see if she can give you some advice, if you can't then speak to a doctor or health visitor and see if you can get yourself on your feet again. Once you feel comfy within yourself, only then try and persue outside interests like mates and deal with the ex, get yourself right first and suddenly the clouds dont always clear but there is more sunny weather

    I am sorry for rambling hunny but feel for you massively, just remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE, that little boy is gorgous and if you ever wanna chat come find me on here, on e-mail or msn at the same address. Big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    by Kerriemamma 28 July 2012

  • *hug* oh sweetheart, I understand what U mean I forgot how to be Sarah cuz I was always Alexas mummy and it felt like that was it but then I did something that was for me, I took up a homes study course that I wanted and spoke to two friends and now I feel like I can be both. It is hard but its ok to admit that and say U need help. Have U had a night off or gone out and had some you time? That might help. Ur still adjusting to becoming a parent and sometimes it does take a while. Dont feel bad or anything ur not the first and wont be the last mum to think like this, its really common. If U need help then ask someone wether that be a dr, health visitor or family. Maybe spend quality time with mason doing lil special activities like swimming, a day trip, the park or a mum and baby group :). Life always throws obsticals and hurdles in ur way but U can over come them uve just got to work out the best solution for U. Just because ur a mum doesn't mean ur youth has to disappear completely, it is ok to go out and be yourself without ur baby, U dont have to give up ur dreams or anything U want to achieve in life. U can still do it all :). Hope U feel better soon sweet xx

    by 28 July 2012